Memories & Feelings Unleashed….

This is my 20th blog!!!! It is the 20th day of October AND…. it’s my birthday. Wow… I did reach this age huh!!! I do have a lot to be thankful for… Drama ta gamay…

• for the air that I breath
• for the family I have (ate, kuya, ditse, cousins, etc…)
• for the poeple who love me (my friends, not so friends, and YOU!!!)
• for putting money in my pocket (bisan jobless ko!)
• for the trials that have made me stronger (hmmm too many to mention)
• for the strength to keep me going
• for good health

This could go on and on… I do have a lot to be thankful for. Midnight woke me up with the ring of the phone. Not totally surprised but it was one of the best days to start my day… a call from someone I Love and Respect….I heard mass at 6:00 a.m. and I never felt so peaceful, even with all these I am going through. My cellphone has been sounding off endlessly…I am loved and remembered by my friends…. What the rest of the day has in store for me I do not know. I’ll maybe write again about it tonight….

I just want to share something I found on the net with you.

Tugging on My Heart

The  Person I Long to Be (by: Victoria A. Mogyorosi)

The day light breaks again
Another day has begun.

But still no sleep has come.
My body is weary

My mind overworked.
I lie awake thinking

But what I am unsure.
I need to break free from the cycle I endure.

Everyday is the same and the nights are undistinguished.
I feel as though I am being pushed along with the tide

Unable to break free from the everyday flow.
This is not me I need to change, before time takes over

And I am unable to change.
I need to be freed from the grasp of ordinary

And become that person I have always longed for.
Express myself in every way, and conquer the dreams as I lie awake.

Then I may fall asleep and put my mind to rest.
Make changes in my life and help those in need.

I would like to touch everyone’s life in a positive way
And leave my mark on society before I fade away.

Change…..
"Sometimes in the waves of change we find our true directions."
Be thankful and appreciate those in your life.

I’VE LEARNED

I’ve learned-
that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned-
that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned-
that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had
better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones to help you get backup.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned-
that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become

I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally…different.

I’ve learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you

I’ve learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows the pain and suffering that I have seen:

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said:

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn’t exist.

I dont really know what title I should put to this piece. I just felt I had to write it all down…this is a blog after all right?

Imagine yourself living in a pretty and cozy home. You are very much taken cared off and provided for. You have a lot of good times in that house. When you feel depressed or alone, the people there are at your side to cheer you up or hear you out. Nice diba????? And it’ll make you think over and over again "How am I ever going to repay these people back for everything that they are doing to me?"

….allow me to write all these in my own words…. a phase in my life that has made me grow so much.

I once stayed in a house where the people living in it were very warm and caring. They cared and provided for me to the extent that when I needed something, I would not say anything anymore.. the reason? Hiyang hiya na ako sa kanila. I practically did not spend for anything there and I could only imagine the additional expenses they had on their bills. My best friend then was my laptop and the telephone. It was 2 of the things that kept me sane….other than talking with that someone I value so much.

When left alone in the house, I would busy myself with anything I could do… basically banging away on this loyal laptop of mine looking for opportunities… or cleaning or doing some laundry… talking with friends over the phone… or simply just thinking about life. If boredom sets in, I’d call for a taxi and go to the mall, see a movie or hop on a bus to take me anywhere. I have no complaints whatsoever BUT a lot of confusion within me.

There came a point in time where things changed and I started walking on eggshells. Almost everything I did had a "malicious" meaning. When I would cook…which I love doing…it was interpreted as something else. When I’d be quiet, it was because I was in some mood whatsoever. When I’d be my perky, talkative, funny self…. I was sort of flirting. Ang tanong ko…"saan ko ilalagay ang sarili ko?" I tried to detach myself but there were still so many things that came up and so many things I overheard which were lies and overexaggerations which left me HURT. I had no one to turn to then. I was told to go with the flow… yeh right!!!! and let all those lies go unnoticed?

To top it all, I accidentally discovered something one day. Someone and I had a feeling there was something going on. I did not want to stoop down to anyones level but then something made me look around and look at two things ….. LO and BEHOLD!!!! This is what I found!!!!

Yes… it is what you see. A recorder!!!! Feeling ko? Nanlamig ako, nawala ang galit ko. In place of it… awang awa ako. Awang awa na humantong sya sa ganuong paraan. Kung ano man ang inisip nyang marinig duon…ewan… Late in the evening, the recorder would be gone. This went on for a few days till one day nawala…. even the black thing that was used –> was gone. We still had a feeling the recorder was somewhere around but i never bothered anymore. I knew it was there because someone could not look at me straight in the eye. I was never confronted and I did not confront that person about it. Wellllllllllllllll….. not yet. But I did write a letter pouring out most of what I felt. I wanted to give it but was discouraged to do so. Till now at the back of my mind.. who would ever tell that person what he/she has been doing. He/She may be aware of it but no one has ever told him/her. Don’t get me wrong… I am not perfect and I did apologize also in my letter. I have been told that upon my leaving that house his/her attention will be on someone else…where another issue will come up. Wala na akong say!!!!!!

With all these that has happened I discovered something about myself……… I had patience within me (which I thought I had so little off), I was an understanding person (continuously trying to analyse why he/she was acting that way). He/She was by my side when the I was depressed, cried with me, entertained me. Mahal ko pa rin sya with everything he/she did for me during those times at tatanawin kong utang na loob habang buhay. Pero sa ngayon, di ko maubos maisip kung bakit may ibang side sa kanyang personalidad…. I am still very much HURT with all the lies that I overheard and what was said. When I will get over it I don’t know. If I will ever be able to tell him/her, I don’t know. May isang taong pumipigil sa akin na huwag kong sabihin. Hanggang kelan ko mapipigilan, di ko alam… Kung masabi ko man…patawad nalang……

Last October 2,2006 I attended the cremation mass of one of our senior officers from Far East Bank whom I respected and looked up to. His daughter, a little sister to me, was there. She was brave..I’d like to say. She did not know what to feel. Like she was numb. All I told her was "go with the flow. cry if you must! grieve! but always remember that life has to go on." Easy to say huh!!!! But that is speaking from experience.

14 years ago at about this time, I was confused, emotionally drained, physically drained and very close to breaking down (as I would like to term it). It was September 29, 1992 at about 6:45 p.m. in Dumaguete (where I was assigned then) that I found out both my parents were dying and only had a few months to live. As early as May 1992, I knew they were sick. I just did not realize how sick they were till we brought them to Manila for further check up. It was like I was also going to die with them…I cannot describe till now what I felt then.

I am the youngest in the family and I have always been with Da and Ma. When my sisters and brother left to pursue their own careers, I was left behind to take care of them putting aside my dreams. I have no regrets. I was not the perfect daughter but I know I took care of them and they were happy I was with them.

At the prodding of my officemates, I took a leave and left for Manila to be with them on my birthday. And of all birthday gifts to receive that year… my mother went into a comma on October 19…the eve of my birthday. She passed away early morning of October 31 and 12 days after, my father too passed away on November 12. I was again the one with them…till their last breath. I was devastated!!!! I was  Daddy’s girl. All I remember saying over and over again at that particular moment was "Kinuha na nya ang Mommy. Bakit pati ang Daddy!" But that phase has passed now. Amidst the turmoil in my mind, I stopped going to church. YES I DID!!!! But I did not stop praying… and all I prayed for was for HIM to give me the strength to go through the crisis I was in.

14 years have passed… In the beginning, I would not go to hospitals, I would not look at funeral cars (what do you call them?), I would (if I could help it) not go to wakes, I would not look at the hospitals where they were admitted whenever I would be in Manila, I would take a leave whenever it was my birthday and cry. Many, Many times, I would talk to a friend in Mindanao and just cry over my loss. His phone bills must have made a dent on his pockets.

But time heals. Over time, I had to be with a friend when her mother was ailing to share with her what I have been through, I had to attend a funeral for my friends mother, I had to be with a friend from the time her father died till the arrangement in the funeral parlor till the day he was burried, I had to be with my cousin (my only relative here in Cebu) when her husband passed away…and so on. I smile and laugh a lot now…BUT gosssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! HOW I MISS THEM!!!!!

Now, tears roll down as I remember Da and Ma fondly. My birthday is fast approaching. I shed no tears no more on that day. I just recall with a smile on my face how Da would wake me up when I was little… lifting my feet and saying "pong pong kasili….." or how he would rub his unshaved beard in my stomach, or how he taught me how to drive… and Ma, with all the birthday cakes she made for me (she was good in baking and cooking!)…no miss! the fuss she did over me when I had fever…., how I would fall asleep watching TV and wake up in my bed, how she’d teach me how to bake and cook (now would you wonder about my size?). Oh well, such is life. Their death anniversaries are a few weeks from now. I have long ago accepted that they are gone physically and have said adieu to them. But forever, thier memories will be in my heart… till I meet them again someday.

How am I? How has life been treating me? Life has been going on as it should. On the surface it may seem it is great…. I have friends who love me and who I love. But still my heart is NUMB! I long to do things I have been dreaming of doing. But it is not yet time… so says mi BIG BOSS. It is great to be back home but a lot of questions still haunt me.
I do know that in HIS time, things will be in place. I do know too that what HE is making me go through now is HIS way of molding me into a better person. As one of my mentors (whom we fondly call Nanay) in school emailed me last July, it is God’s way of prunning and trimming me. Yes Nanay, it sure is!!!! All these are happening for a reason and I do know that in HIS TIME, things will fall into place and it will be great! When this time will be I do not know. I will just have to wait patiently, live one day at a time and claim this when the time comes.
I remember my prayers last June where more on questions and asking for strength to hurdle the "crisis" I was in. I asked that he take away the heaviness in my heart… BUT HE DID NOT. Day by day I learned to lift evrything up to HIM, live with it and accept it and things felt better over time. I went through more hurdles but I survived it. HE instead gave me the strength to go on with faith and acceptance. Let go and surrender everything to HIM…

Sincerity is a strong pain-killing drug. 
Humility is a stronger pain-killing drug.
Self-offering is the strongest pain-killing drug.

Sri Chinmoy

Once I had a secret love
That lived within the heart of me
All too soon my secret love
Became impatient to be free

So I told a friendly star
The way that dreamers often do
Just how wonderful you are
Why I’m so in love with you

Now I shout it from the highest hill
Even told the golden daffodil
At last my heart’s an open door
And my secret love’s
No secret anymore

In our lifetime, we pass through many crossroads that besets us with confusion. One of this is our personal life. Ika nga… and lab lyp natin. This is for you my friend who I know will be reading this. Life is too short to dwell on worldly things so enjoy it. As you would always tell me, SURVIVAL is the game. You have been through a LOT and you have survived. Your patience amazes me. Kudos to you!!! I could just imagine what you go through everyday of your life….working your ass off, going back and forth, etc… I know you’re not perfect. Who is anyway. I know too that there are things within you that you have not shared with me..be it your imperfections, your success, your weaknesses, strengths… but that does not matter. I’ll still be here for you to support you and push you on….with all my heart and soul. As for your SECRET LOVE, It will always be your choice.. shout it out for the world to know or keep it your secret love till the grave…

Day after day, I must face a world of strangers
Where I don’t belong, I’m not that strong
It’s nice to know that there’s someone I can turn to
Who will always care, you’re always there

(*) When there’s no gettin’ over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won’t come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won’t last a day without you

So many times when the city seems to be
Without a friendly face, a lonely place
It’s nice to know that you’ll be there if I need you
And you’ll always smile, it’s all worthwhile

Touch me and I end up singing
Trouble seems to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you’re bringing
I can’t really lose when you’re near
When you’re near, my love

If all my friends have forgotten half their promises They’re not unkind, just
hard to find
One look at you and I know
That I Could learn to live without the rest
I’ve found the best

Earlier today I heard that song and I started daydreaming. Hmmmm not what your probably thinking off. Yes this is a love song but i did not think of it that way. I suddenly peeked at what I have been through for the past 6 months of my life and realized I would not have made it through without the DIRECTOR of my life beside me.

What would have happened to me if HE was not with me all these months, carrying and cradling me in HIS arms. I don’t really know. What I do know is that the past 6 months has tested my patience (which I did not really think I had much off…to the maxxx!!!!), tested my love, made me grow so much emotionally and even with all the questions I was and am still hurling at HIM, HE is still here with me.

Nothing ever happened my way… only HIS WAY.